The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

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Step 4: Improving Communication - communication techniques that work when ADHD is present (p. 165. Audio 7. Kindle loc. 2744) Personal boundaries help you find the line between moderating who you are to support a relationship, and compromising yourself to the point that you behave in unhealthy ways. To find that line, you need to know which boundaries are most important to you and which ones have enough flexibility, so that you can bend without breaking.

Start by choosing to “reset” your relationship. Today will be a fresh start, with you both setting out on this adventure to a happier life together. The book has good intentions, but seems to reflect the author’s difficulties faced as the non ADHD spouse. It helped identify the ADD challenges earlier in my life. However, listening to the book has left me depressed and feeling hopeless. I got about four hours into the book before I finally had to stop. It wasn’t getting better. Keep in mind that boundaries aren’t a wish list, they’re values to guide your own behavior. It may take you time to hit on what’s really essential, so test out different scenarios until you find what lets you be your best self.It may be too late for us. We needed to put to use this type of information and support a very long time ago, and while I have read many current, excellent books on the subject, this one hits home as the best. Hope we can scrape ourselves together for another try. When ADHD is part of a romantic relationship, it’s crucial to remember that the adult with ADHD is the only person who has the right to decide whether or not to seek treatment. Ms. Orlov's book provides what many leave out - empathy for both partners. She offers a no-blame, nonjudgmental account of the differences and struggles of each partner, with equal amounts of respect, understanding, and empathy for the experience of both. This is a recipe for success for all partnerships.

Misconceptions abound regarding ADHD, especially ADHD in adults. For those who discredit the legitimacy of an ADHD diagnosis or deny that ADHD affects every aspect of a person's life, this book will offer both a scientific and personal perspective on what ADHD is and how it disrupts marriages -- often without detection. Orlov also blogs for Psychology Today, and authored the “Your Relationships” column for ADDitude Magazine from 2008-2014. She is a contributing author to Married to Distraction, with Hallowell and his wife, Sue George Hallowell, LICSW, and to The Distracted Couple, the first therapist handbook about counseling couples with ADHD. The only advice in this book I found helpful was reinforcement that marriage meetings should be happening once or twice a week, and the use of index cards to support the “ADHD partner” index card system. Nancy Ratey, EdM, MCC, SCAC, author of The Disorganized Mind: Coaching Your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks, and Talents Why should you read the first? Because about 90% of “The ADHD effect on marriage” actually describes abusive behavior.

If you want a book that will help you finally understand why your spouse acts in certain ways and how you can make their lives and your own life better going forward then read it. If your spouse also reads it, great. But even if only you read it, you're enlightening yourself. Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books on the impact of ADHD in relationships - The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger) and is considered one of the foremost authorities on the topic. A marriage consultant, Melissa helps ADHD-affected couples from around the world rebalance their relationships and learn to thrive. She also teaches mental health professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov blogs for Psychology Today and at www.adhdmarriage.com, where she also hosts a large community of adults learning about ADHD in relationships. She has been interviewed by the New York Times, CNN, Today, US News and World Report, CB Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books on the impact of ADHD in relationships - The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger) and is considered one of the foremost authorities on the topic. A marriage consultant, Melissa helps ADHD-affected couples from around the world rebalance their relationships and learn to thrive. She also teaches mental health professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov blogs for Psychology Today and at www.adhdmarriage.com, where she also hosts a large community of adults learning about ADHD in relationships. She has been interviewed by the New York Times, CNN, Today, US News and World Report, CBS, AOL, the American Psychological Association Monitor and many others. Ms. Orlov is a cum laude graduate of Harvard College.) I was wanting to find out more about ADHD in general and how if effects people, and this was the first book that popped up on Hoopla for me. This technique is particularly useful if you and your partner are faced with an ongoing issue that you can’t seem to resolve. It will offer you both a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives, which you can combine with empathy to determine a mutually beneficial solution.

And the final star off is just because this book is a major downer that may make you paranoid if you have adhd or hopeless if you are involved with someone who does. Melissa Orlov is one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships in the world today” says Dr. Edward Hallowell, co-author of Driven to Distraction and other seminal books about ADHD. “Every day she offers advice based on not only her firsthand experience but also the immense knowledge she has gained through her study. She also has what few experts have - the benefit of her own suffering. She weathered the worst kind of storm and has lived what she's talking about.” Step 5: Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Own Voices - using your "best self" to reinvigorate your life (p. 187. Audio 8. Kindle loc. 3112)

Section 1 - Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage

Regardless of who has ADHD in your relationship, the best way to break this cycle is to direct your focus onto yourself and set personal boundaries. These are values or behaviors that are absolutely essential if you want to be your truest self. People with ADHD are often highly creative, so you can tap into this as well. Enroll in a dance class, an animation course, a culinary workshop – whatever takes your fancy. While you’re there, embrace the opportunity to make some new friends too. The ADHD Effect is a brilliant compilation of what you can do if you are in a marriage where one or both of you have ADHD. It is a life-saver of a book that can change lives for the better, and dramatically so. I daresay Melissa Orlov is one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships in the world today." The first half of the book felt super repetitive: wives, you shouldn't nag your husbands and make sure you exercise and get treatment for your likely depression (and don't try to compensate for your husband or treat him like a child); husbands, make sure you exercise and take your meds and get therapy. As consultants, we focus on what needs to be done. Yes, that often means suggested ‘homework’ between sessions to help explore strategies we think might work for you. Even when dealing with your emotional issues, we are keeping forward motion in mind: What do your feelings mean for defining what actions you and your partner might take? How do we (client and consultant) keep heading towards your most important goals?

Step 3: Getting Treatment for You Both - what effective treatment looks like in a relationship (p. 145. Audio 6. Kindle loc. 2420) One way to cultivate empathy in your relationship is through letter writing. If you have ADHD, write a letter to your partner explaining what it’s like to live with your mile-a-minute brain. Stay focused on your experiences and feelings, not your marriage or relationship. This will offer your partner a glimpse of what you deal with every day, explaining that your behaviors aren’t the result of laziness or self-interest. Use your letter as a way to start a conversation where both of you can be curious about the other’s perspective in an open, non-judgmental way. The book goes on and on about how hard it is to live with someone with ADHD and not enough about how to make it easier. It just leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless, and ashamed of myself. I really had a lot higher hopes for this book after hearing others swear by it. I think from now on, I'll only take book recommendations from people who actually have ADHD. As humans, the lens through which we view the world is so second nature that we often believe everyone in our lives shares our perspective. In reality, however, our points of view are highly individual. So, something obvious to you might be a complete mystery to your beloved. Then, Alex will briefly respond to Beth’s concern. For instance, he might tell her that he’s only joking, and that he often worries afterward that she’s taken what he’s said the wrong way but that she shouldn’t be concerned because he doesn’t mean it. Beth then mirrors what Alex has said, followed by her response to this – perhaps that she still feels hurt, even if Alex doesn’t mean what he says. By opening up the conversation in this way, each partner begins to understand how their behavior impacts the other person. Typically, they’ll then identify for themselves how they could try to moderate their behavior to avoid hurt and conflict next time.

It’s common for people in relationships to impose on each other’s boundaries from time to time. But in relationships impacted by ADHD behaviors, this is a common occurrence. For instance, a person with ADHD might not take due care when using their partner’s property, or might assume that their partner will do nearly all the household chores. A person without ADHD might interfere with their partner’s personal or work life, or might try to control or change their partner. Soon these behaviors become the new normal, leaving each person depleted and unhappy.