Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or Situation

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When we can separate our needs for approval, respect, and admiration, we are free to choose our own reality. “When someone acts rudely toward us, it doesn’t mean anything. This person’s words or deeds cause us to feel bad about ourselves because of our self-image,” writes Lieberman.

By acting responsibly, we build the self esteem that gives us the strength to delay gratification, tolerate discomfort, live in accordance with the soul, find meaning in adversity, have faith that things will work out as they should, live productively, and follow a path that is not paved with circumstances, but rather, our response to those circumstances.The book analyzes the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. The first three stages are ‘ego’ based, and only when we loosen the ego’s grip can we move towards acceptance, the last stage in this group. Lieberman takes time to explain the problem with the ‘Ego’ side to our personalities that makes us into the angry and frustrated people we become. We must not skip reading it because it’s not the situations that make us angry, but the meaning that we attach to it, and that meaning is always based on one thing: how we feel about ourselves. Precise control is actuated when we rise above our nature and exercise self-control by seeing things from another perspective.

Lieberman writes, “When we routinely succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect and project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside.” Focusing on our own pain and on how difficult life is for us is a predictable recipe for anger and one that keeps us from truly connecting with others. Lieberman writes, “Parenthetically, the ease with which we rise above our own problems and shift attention to the welfare of another is a reliable marker of emotional health.” Anger and bargaining. You may lash out at people you love or become angry with yourself. Or you might try to "strike a bargain" with a higher power, asking that the loss be taken away in exchange for something on your part.Anger releases a stress hormone called cortisol. Long-term elevated cortisol levels have a detrimental effect on us, both physically and mentally. Specifically, cortisol damages cells in the hippocampus and results in impaired learning. In the short term, cortisol interferes with our ability to think and process information. Or, to put it another way, getting angry actually makes us dumb. Biochemically, anger, as we know, initiates the fight-or-flight response and the production of adrenaline, which reroutes blood flow away from the brain, and with it oxygen, which further muddles our thinking. Call me snob, but I only read books that received a starred review from Library Journal. I’m much too busy to waste my time on fluffy titles and the Journal is as objective as you can get. So I was thrilled to see a new book by David Lieberman. I always lean with logic over emotions. That’s why I buy Lieberman’s books. The psychology is always spot-on and clear, and the advise is PRACTICAL. You can actually use it because it works! This is all-too- rare these days with self-help books. So, imagine my reaction when I read in the book flap that he takes a “holistic” approach. Argh! But no! He balances beautifully, spirituality with psychology and stays religion-neutral throughout. I help to coordinate several 12- Step Programs and found some pleasantly striking similarities between the 12 Steps and Lieberman’s approach. Never Get Angry Again is a life-transforming book that goes right to the core of anger. He writes:

One of the points that Liberman put out that I really liked were 5 steps that were most useful in dealing with anger:Never Get Angry Again is New York Times bestselling author David J. Lieberman’s comprehensive, holistic look at the underlying emotional, physical, and spiritual causes of anger, and what the reader can do to gain perspective, allowing them to never get angry again. Wisdom is one of the most powerful by-products of emotional health, and it gives us the capacity and fortitude to see the situation objectively and then respond calmly and logically, rather than allowing anger to corrupt our observation, assessment, judgment, and conduct. Reading Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or Situation by Dr. David J. Lieberman Ph.D. – or even taking steps to buy it – does not necessarily mean that one has anger management issues. There are definitely days when we all feel angry, upset, depressed, grumpy or just plain mad at our existence in this world. The goal of this book is how to deal with and understand those annoyances in our lives and how to manage stress and petty arguments. Never Get Angry Again PDF

We should note that people often mistake confidence for self-esteem, but the two are quite different. Confidence is how effective we feel within a specific area or situation, while self-esteem is defined as how much we recognize our inherent worth and feel deserving of happiness and good fortune. Self-esteem is shaped by the quality of our choices rather than by the assets at our disposal. A person who attempts to fortify his self-image by taking pride in a specific trait may exhibit signs of high self-esteem to the untrained eye, but, in fact, such an individual often suffers from low self-esteem, because all he has is an inflated ego. Irresponsible (ego-oriented/overindulgent body) choice leads to self-esteem decreasing, which leads to ego expanding, which leads to perspective narrowing, which leads to distorted reality, which leads to being unable/unwilling to see and accept truth (when difficult or painful) = negative mental health leads to acting irresponsibly The upward turn. You begin to adjust to your new life, and the intensity of the pain you feel from the loss starts to reduce. At this point in the grieving process, you may notice that you feel calmer. David J. Lieberman understands that a change in perspective is all that is needed to help keep from flying off the handle. In Never Get Angry Again, he reveals how to see anger through a comprehensive, holistic lens, illuminates the underlying emotional, spiritual, and physical components of anger, and gives the readers simple, practical tools to snuff out anger before it even occurs. You’ve probably heard all of these anger management techniques and more from friends, family, and experts, but somehow they miss the mark when it comes to coping with the complex emotion of anger.

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If you've never read anything in the CBT or emotional IQ genre this is a good text to begin with but I wouldn't recommend it to someone in the field unless you are researching books for clients. If you've read Cal Newport Deep Work you can skip the last third of the book as it's the same (even uses the marshmallow experiment) neuroscience as presented there. Not mad I read it (see what I did there), but overall I'd say just skip this one if you're well read in the genre. Thus, we must focus on not the ‘ego’ but the ‘soul’ of our personality. The more one lives in accord with the ‘soul’, the less he or she needs the drug of anger to make him or her feel alive. Lieberman is adamant, and I agree with him, that the moment one has perspective and empathy to see the context of another person’s reality, one can eliminate anger from one’s behavioral mechanism. It is sometimes important for us to realize that we don’t have a ‘soul’, but instead, we are a ‘soul’ and have a body. Therefore, we must feed the soul with positivity and not the ego. I don't understand the other reviewers who praise the way this book is written. It is very slow and repetitive, and it uses multiple metaphors in one paragraph when none would do. Each time we sacrifice what is responsible because we can’t rise above the whims of an impulse or sell ourselves out to win the praise or approval of others, we lose self-respect. When we routinely succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect and project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside. To quiet the unconscious gnawing that says, I don’t like me, we do whatever we can to feel good. We long to love ourselves, but instead we lose ourselves. Unable to invest in our own well-being, we spiral downward to the hollow, self-destructive refuge of activities that take us away from the pain: excessive eating, alcohol or drug abuse, and meaningless diversions and excursions. These ethereal delights mask our self-contempt, and because the happiness we seek instead results in greater pain, we descend further into despair—and into hiding. When we suffer from low self-esteem, we’re often afraid that something bad will happen to us after something good occurs in our lives. When fortune unexpectedly smiles on us, we feel anxious because of our sense of unworthiness. To alleviate our emotional tension, we might even sabotage our success so that we can fulfill our personal prophecy: The world is as we predicted. We feel secure because our beliefs—no matter how damaging and distorted—have been reaffirmed. We will be right, even if it kills us.