The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience

Product Information

Whether you are someone who has lost their “person” or want to give something meaningful and effective to someone who has, this is a place to explore the unspeakably taboo, unbelievably hilarious, and unexpectedly beautiful terrain of navigating life after a death.

I thought it was so good and so useful, I bought two other copies. One for her mother and another for a friend who had lost her husband. As Soffer tells it: “Life and death are intimately linked; this book will help you weave your grief into your life in a way that is practical, creative, comforting, provoking, a bit fun, and, finally, hopeful.” THE MODERN LOSS HANDBOOK is here to assist in building resilience and finding meaning: the ultimate goals in the wake of a loss. It’s hard to know what to say in the face of all this devastation, but it can be so much worse to say nothing at all. What I’ve witnessed, what I know to be true, is that storytelling is how we bring one another into our loss experiences and offer meaningful, powerful support. This means telling stories about our lost loved ones—that little joke they told so often that the rest of the family would start rolling their eyes upon hearing the first word, that thing they used to cook that somehow made everything OK, that time they messed up big-time and taught us an important lesson because of it, that special way they held us in their gaze. But it also means talking about our own suffering in the wake of that person’s death—the longing we feel when the nightly phone calls we’ve come to expect suddenly stop, the breakdowns in public settings, the moments we are completely focused on something else and then remember.

What I finally realized was this: As completely unfair as it felt, absorbing my grief, figuring it out, and living with it were my responsibilities. Nobody else could do it for me,” states the author up-front, while promising to offer “no toxic positivity or suggestions that you find gratitude in everything.” Everyone will eventually experience the loss of someone meaningful, and the idea that they’re expected to “move on” because “it’s time,” isn’t realistic. What is? Talking about the stuff that society shies away from in public conversation and holding an ongoing space for our losses – because relationships don’t end when someone dies, and our own lives hold enormous potential for significance after a loss. Relief came from finding camaraderie in others who had also experienced loss. She joined a support group in Manhattan for families of homicide victims and became involved with a national nonprofit dedicated to supporting family and friends of those who have died by violence. The truth is, it’s not that we can’t imagine the experience. It’s that we don’t want to. In saying that the deep loss someone is feeling is too unbearable to picture, what we’re really doing is drawing a line: not mine, not ours, only yours. Perhaps we think we might prevent this pain, this chaos, this fear and uncertainty, from reaching our own lives. But if this global pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that grief doesn’t work that way. Grief belongs or will belong to everybody , if not today then someday. No one wants this book but I do recommend it as a professional for other therapists and anyone helping another heal as an incredible resource

April Rinneis an advisor to startups, governments and investors worldwide, a Young Global Leader at the World Economic Forum, and an inveterate globetrotter (100+ countries). She also lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was in college. Her experience with grief and loss has had a profound impact on every aspect of her life and work—from her irrational-but-very-real belief that she didn’t have long to live throughout her 20s, to her anything-but-typical career path—and she’s thrilled to support Modern Loss as it reaches an ever bigger community in ever more ways. So much loss at such a relatively young age un-tethered Rebecca. There were husbands yet to meet, puppies yet to adopt, and so many other miles yet to stone—but all of it would have to be done without her own parents’ guidance, along with dealing with the logistical aftermath of each of their deaths. Dear reader, it was bad.We are founders of two well-established communities for grievers, Modern Loss and Motherless Daughters, who have been working for years to help people connect with each other throughout the longevity of their loss and dispel the narrative that grief is something to get over, or leave behind. We also have suffered multiple personal losses, some at a young age. And we believe that promoting the need to shut off the valve of mourning after a certain period of time, and implying that a natural human experience is somehow unnatural, is outdated and potentially damaging to 21st-century mourners. I’m drawn to books about grief and loss, whether they be fiction or nonfiction. Like the author of this handbook, I believe grief is an individual journey. The Modern Loss Handbook is filled with interactive activities and thoughtful prompts. It’s a judgment-free zone, and a path you can tailor to your own needs.

In the book, you encourage readers to be in both the happy memories and the more complicated moments they may have shared with their person. Why was it important for you to emphasize both?

One minute, she was writing about death at a remove. The next, she was coping with the sudden, violent deaths of two of the people closest to her: planning their double funeral, cleaning out their house, communicating with police and prosecutors seeking justice on their behalf. She writes like talking with a friend who really knows you and is having a real conversation that helps you. This project grew out of two friends’ separate experiences with sudden loss, and their struggle to find resources that weren’t too clinical, overtly religious, patronizing or, frankly, cheesy.

If you have a performative role, like being a professor, maybe you could switch into a more administrative role for a period of time,” Soffer says. “That way you won’t feel so exposed.” Grief over the loss of our daily lives, our perceived futures, the roles we could no longer easily access and the additional roles we didn’t anticipate taking on, the terrifying news cycles, the coping mechanisms and go-to rituals that now seemed out of reach. And, of course, grief over the deaths of our people, both during the pandemic and resurfaced from older losses. The book has highlighted in blue important points Rebecca wants all to remember on our grief journey. One highlighted portion that has really stayed with me is that even though your person has died, you continue to be in a relationship with them and through loss the relationship changes but is never taken away. I bought this book to read with my son who had lost his wife last year. We had read several others. (Kubler Ross on death and dying Life was never the same, Year of magical thinking. ). But this book is different. It is a handbook, a guidebook. It offers help in bite size pieces which seemed the perfect size for people in pain. Personally, I’m grateful to have this as a tool in my arsenal to help me process feelings I often keep to myself. Sometimes we can overwhelm others or even ourselves with intense emotions, and the activities here are a great way to channel those feelings into something perhaps productive and most importantly healing.Care for one’s emotional well-being as they would their physical health, be it through talk/group/music therapy, writing exercises or cathartic destruction (it’s a thing!) Rebecca Soffer’s new book is called T he Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience, published by Running Press. For more information about Soffer’s work, visit www.modernloss.com. Let’s face it: most of us can’t handle talking about death. We’re awkward and uncertain; we blurt out platitudes or say nothing at all; we send sympathy bouquets whittled out of fruit. Enter Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner, who can help us do better.