The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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A man comes out of the shower and says to his wife, “It’s too hot to wear clothes today”. He continued, Honey, what would the neighbors think if I came out to mow the lawn like this?” The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican Why did the baker refuse to follow the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in dough protection! Did you hear about the guy who watched that new Bruce Willis film five times in a row? He was a Die Hard fan.

I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle (Photo: BBC) Why did the mechanic ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a tight seal! The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?""Oh, that's his penis," the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"

‘Stand on stage and see if they laugh’

The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle Some other filthy jokes: Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!" A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a viagra. “Why in the world do you want that?” she asks. He looks at her and says, “Well, that’s what you give dad when his shit won’t get hard.” On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell

A woman is walking down the street, when she crosses a corner in which a drunk man is leaning. Seeing her, the man screams: you’re one ugly gal!

The 55 Very Best Dirty Knock Knock Jokes

Joan Rivers–“All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” One-liners are usually based on your expectations of language. And the English language in particular is a tremendous mongrel! A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He asks her what ́s wrong.

What did the chef say to his knife? “Don’t be silly, wrap your blade, Willy! We don’t want any accidental cuts!” What did the lifeguard say to the swimmers? “Don’t be silly, wrap your floaties, Willies! We don’t want any sinking incidents!” Why did the barber disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a clean shave!

Kielty 'knocks it out of the park' on emotional Late Late Toy Show debut

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a swimming pool with a monastery on his head? Tommy Cooper– "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." Why did the DJ disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the magic of vinyl protection!