Let's Talk: How to Have Better Conversations

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Conversation is broken. And while we know that effective communication can lead to greater fulfilment in our personal and professional lives, evidence suggests we are having fewer meaningful conversations than previous generations. The pandemic has exacerbated the trend towards fewer face-to-face interactions, while the growth of social media has led to heated arguments online. We are losing the ability to talk to each other.

It sounds like you had a good chinwag– a long and pleasant conversation between friends, which is great because in this programme we’re talking about talking. We’ll be discussing conservations – the exchange of ideas, thoughts and feelings that happens when people talk to each other. And as usual we’ll be learning some new vocabulary as well. Wow! OK, let’s recap the vocabulary we’ve learned from this programme on the art of good conversations, starting with chinwag– a long and pleasant conversation between friends. Heyman’s interest in deeper conversations stems not only from thinking that “they are inherently interesting, but also because they can build trust and strengthen relationships.” Research also suggests that these conversations can have benefits for people’s health and wellbeing. Several different lines of work point to the conclusion that good conversations are good for you. Yeah, I think I think you’re right, the terminology is difficult, everyone understand what performance management should mean. But it is a euphemism, they are often for performance management as the first stage in the exit conversation. So you know, I think I think we should try and change the nomenclature. Read this fascinating book and you'll become a better listener, a better conversationalist and better company' Adam Kay'A brilliant book on the art of conversation' Matt Haig'A compulsory book for these divided times' Sathnam Sanghera'An intriguing exploration of the importance of a proper chinwag' Sara Cox'A terrific book from a terrific broadcaster.My gosh, the vitriol that I received for making that comparison. What I was trying to do was encourage people to look in on themselves, and the language they used, because people voted to leave the European Union for all kinds of reasons. The idea that you tell a huge group of people that they are just stupid for doing so is ignorant; or that they are all racists, it doesn’t further the conversation.” So how does the senior leadership team change this stigma attached to what should be a really beneficial concept to this individual? Unfortunately, we are in an age now when we tend to wholly define someone by one thing – you know, you’re Catholic, you’re Protestant, you’re a Leaver, you’re a Remainer, you’re woke, you’re racist, but that’s not all of who someone is. And one of the book’s aims is to encourage people to be a little bit more introspective about who you are, and look at your own prejudices and biases. If we do that more effectively, we can connect with others more openly.”

Mathew's rule is to talk to the oldest and youngest person in the room , you're much more likely to hear 2 different perspectives and to reshape your own. So, I will start by repeating a little bit of what I just said, which that very often when people say they don't know what to talk to somebody about, it's because they're focused on what they can talk about. They'll look at somebody who's very different from them. They'll say, "I have nothing in common with this person, and so therefore nothing to talk about." But if you're less focused on that, what you're going to talk about, as opposed to what could this person tell me, you always can talk about that. And good conversation involves taking turns, not talking over someone – trying to silence people by talking more loudly, forcefully, and persistently than them. One way Heyman likes to promote good conversations is to seed them. This is similar to what she does to start a discussion in class, asking people to come prepared to discuss a specific memory, for example.In my opinion it could be improved with some key takeaways or action points at the end of each chapter, making it more of a self-help book for every day conversations. But these are summed up nicely in the conclusion.

What is it that I haven't asked.... One of the questions I often ask people at the end of interviews is, "What have I not asked you that you expected to talk about? What should I have asked you?" And those kinds of open-ended questions, what is it that I'm missing, are really going to help you. That's how you become the kind of leader who people enjoy talking to, that they feel comfortable going to them with situations. Maybe it's just like, I have a feeling something's going wrong here. That may never be expressed if every conversation has to be productive. People may never wave those yellow flags instead of red if you have made this stricture that every conversation has to be directed, time limited, and productive. So, leave things open for people to muse. Remember that deep thought is rarely productive or directed. Deep thought ambles, deep thought explores, and deep thought is curious, but deep thought is what drives innovation and creativity. If every single conversation is directed, that's how you end up with group think. That's how you're like, "Well, this is what I need to know, don't tell me anything else but what I need to know." But there may be things you don't realize that you need to know until suddenly it's a crisis. So yeah, you have to see these conversations and bring with them a certain amount of curiosity, just curiosity to learn interesting stuff.Intentionally exposing people to shared experiences also works. “Think of how book clubs can let people discuss values based on a shared experience in a nonthreatening way,” Heyman said. “I encourage people to get creative in trying out new activities that promote learning and everyone feeling included. If the activity is fun or funny, that is an added bonus.” Let me put it to you this way, I asked a scientist at one point if it was possible after all these years of evolution of focusing so much of our energy, our biological energy on becoming incredible communicators through our mouths and our ears, if it would be possible for text, for written communication to equal verbal communication at any point? And she said it's possible in five to 10,000 years.