Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love that Heals Fear and Shame

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We can’t have one without the other. Recognition without compassion means that we’ll be left noticing what’s happening, but without the tools to cope with it. And, if we just see everything through the lens of compassion, rather than self-reproach, we might tip too far into self-pity. But acceptance does not equal complacency. A 2019 meta-analysis indicated that cancer patients who practiced acceptance-based behavior had less psychological distress while living with their condition.

This chapter begins much like the last one. This time we discuss the emotion of fear—why we experience it, why it’s necessary, and how to avoid becoming overwhelmed by it. These feelings drive us to all kinds of self-destructive behavior, most notably addiction in all its various forms. Whether it’s to drugs, sex, work—an addiction that is, unfortunately, applauded by Western culture—or something else, addiction is often an attempt to escape the feelings of worthlessness.

Can we extend this friendly curiosity towards ourselves? The moments when we feel hurt, angry or afraid, are often the moments we most need to be kind towards ourselves. However, often the times when we need radical acceptance the most, are the times it might seem impossible to practice it.

Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment’s experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.” pg. 4

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Radical acceptance is a way to embrace positive and negative experiences. Through meditative practice, we can learn to welcome a range of experiences, while being fully present in the moment. Instead of shelving how we feel, and swiftly moving on to the next experience, we can learn how to live more mindfully. Breaking out of these unhealthy thoughts and coping mechanisms begins with accepting everything about ourselves, our lives, and our experiences. This means being aware of everything that’s happening inside our minds at bodies at every moment and embracing it. It means not shying away from sorrow or pain. It means recognizing our desires and dislikes without judging ourselves for them or feeling forced to act upon them. (However, Radical Acceptance does not mean accepting harmful behavior, either from ourselves or anyone else.) This, accompanied by our judgment of others, keeps us at war with life. When not faced, our fears and blame prevent us from living and loving fully. On the societal level, designating a “bad other” fuels the violence that so plagues our world today. The RAIN of Self-Compassion includes the steps of RAIN, as well as some translations to other languages. Radical Acceptance doesn’t mean we have to agree or approve of the things outside of our control, but can we be willing to allow them to come and go naturally at their own pace? A way to practice and build radical acceptance is to work on getting better at feeling, rather than trying to feel better. Practice Being a Kind and Constant Friend to Yourself – The Wing of Compassion